Go Ahead Bitch

You can have the life I thought I wanted

 

Sitting there with blown glass in between

 

blurry view of contentment

thanks to the liquid block of emotions

for the death of your not so good role model

always pushing for better materialistic distractions

covering up the real pain whenever possible

drink it up, smoke it, and forget whats underneath

laugh until crying isn’t an option anymore

live the high life with a never ending cash flow to forget that you need to deal

deal with your life and what you’ve made of it

sorry excuse for a brother, son, friend and partner

Do you ever wonder?

What would people say about you if you died tomorrow?

That is the only time where EVERYONE who knows who would converse about how they feel about you. I have had one or two people die that I can honestly say were rude and mean to me. What would people say about you?

Negatives: She never answered her phone, she was really hyper, she was kinda weird, she would hang out for a while and then disapear….

Positives: She was always so energetic, she was always postive, she was friends with so many DIFFERENT people, she was never mean or rude, she had great energy, she was so friendy and happy….

 

If I died tomorrow, I would guess those are the things that people would say about me. Not too bad  I think…..

 

 

What about me?

It has totally ruined my focus. I was completely ready for my new busy successful life, but no, you had to come back in it. I am TERRIFIED that I won’t get my focus back in time. I am so so so so so terrified.

I have nobody to hold me. Nobody who can hold me the way I want to be held. No one who cares the way I am talking about. No strings, no sex, no hidden agendas…..just cares. I do not want or need a boyfriend. I just want someone who cares. Not because I am pretty and female. But because they TRUELY care. There is no one like this. I remember on September 17, 2007 someone held me the way I want to be held. There were no strings, no selfish desires….. just the desire to hold me when I needed to be held.

What about me? What about how I feel? It doesn’t matter than I feel like death inside, that I feel that I am teetering on a tight line rope above a steep valley with no end. Go ahead and live your life as if I was never there and don’t matter even if I was. Go ahead and fuck her, get high and give her all the things you wouldn’t give me. Like your love and attention. I wasn’t good enough for you. I didn’t make you as happy as you thought you could be. And that kills me….because… I would do anything to make you happy. But what about me. When will someone do anything to make ME happy.

I won’t. I will NOT wait for you. I have too much potential and ability. Without you. I will be better off and further ahead without anybody by my side. I have let people get in my way before, and I won’t do it anymore. I will come out on top. I am already “on top”. And nobody can take that away from me.

You will never have what I had. I had the best years, the best times. You can pretend that you have won, but you haven’t. You’ll see that soon enough, if you haven’t already. I feel sorry for you.

 

Disclaimer: It is not what you might think. Not directed to who you might assume. Get off your high horse-you don’t know everything, and you for sure do not know ANYTHING about me.

This Feels Good

And I don’t need it. I can use what I have, and feel great. Everything is okay, it will work itself out, and be fine. My days go by with my thoughts and needs fullfilled. I feel I am on the right path to get what I want. It is what keeps me going. I have been able to survive this crazy life, and trust me, you don’t know how crazy. I don’t know HOW I have made it this far. Well, I know how its happened, I have GREAT friends and family. My parents are AMAZING! Rachel, Alex, and Laura have been there, and taught me so much, I am SO thankful for them. But I just can’t believe that I am still trucking along. Now better than ever, and its scary. I feel good, I feel like I WILL be able to do this. This confidence could be struck down at any moment though, its like a too good to be true thing. I am a little afraid that I am turning into a hermit. All I do is work, go to the gym, and stay at home. I don’t give my friends any attention. Its not that I dont want to. At home, I write, I clean, I organize, I plan, I research, I job search, I look at apartments and condos…..

btw thank god for automatic saving on this site, I just deleted everything and waaahhlaaaa its still here!

I am getting things done, and I am happy about it. Thats all that matters. When I am ready, I will start to be more social. But right now, I am loving this time. LOVING IT. I have never had it, and I am totally basking in it!

It really meant something

On Saturday, Steve said “Jamie, I want you to be a good girl, there aren’t any”. Steve is one of the only people who truely know me. It reminded me of who I really want to be. After what happened on my birthday, everything I thought I was, was gone. After the bad choices I made in October/November, the person who I thought I wanted to be, was wrong. After my trouble in school, the person I thought I could be, was impossible. After loosing my bestfriend, I learned that the people I thought I could trust, I couldn’t. Kyle and Kimiko basically screamed “Fuck You” in my face. This is something I did nothing to deserve.

I have always been the “Good Girl”. I hate lieing, cheating, stealing and making bad decisions. I am not happy when I am involved with any of those.  However, when I compare my current happiness level with October/November, its supprising to notice I was so much happier when I was making bad decisions. This is mostly due to the fact that I was able to like someone and keep my mind off my true feelings, which are now all out there ready and willing to be felt. And it sucks.

I know who I want to be. I do not know what I want to be. How can I be me with only knowing half of what I am? I am more lost than ever, and its terrifying. I have a few good hours for every 48 horrible hours. The great ones aren’t even that great. I know this is where I should be. I do need help though, because I don’t trust myself.

I want a man who wants a good girl. I want friends who appreciate the good girl in me. People who think being immature, unhealthy and mean is the “Cool” thing to do, just really really get on my nerves. I know that I want the people I surround myself with to be on the same page as I am. Healthy, fun, clear and open minded, and goal oriented.

If I can be happy just being myself, and making myself happy, then I think I have truely reached my goal. I need to feel good about what I do everyday. Take one day at a time. Get the help I need and try to enjoy life. I just wish it wasn’t so damn difficult.

Seeing that picture

You are ugly. You are a selfish person who has no concideration for others’ feelings. You are someone who gave up something you can never have again. You have no remorse. You are an ugly, selfish, sad person.

You can go on with your life, making bad decisions and surrounding yourself with losers. I am so glad that you left. I no longer have to put up with your excessive drinking, your hangovers, your swearing and violent outburts. I no longer have to succum myself to your level. I won’t have to put up with your emotional abuse.

Continue with covering up your pain with alcohol and drugs. Maybe one day you will wake up and see how much life you have missed…. And how many weekends you spent in your house fucked up.

 

Seriously though…

Lets be realistic. You can’t trust anybody other than yourself. Men and Women have their positive and negative attributes, but really, one is not better than the other. They both fucking suck. Friends come and go regardless of how good you are to them. Boyfriends (or girlfriends) come and go regardless of how good you are to them. What is the point to go above and beyond for people? It is so that YOU feel good. But does it feel good to feel “good” by yourself? To be happy with yourself…alone? Putting all of your heart into someone who can ultimately break it more than you ever thought possible is such a confusing concept. It feels good to give your all to someone. It feels right, and beneficial. When it ends you can say “I did my best”. You can go thru life saying that about everything that fucks you over. Is that what life is about?

 

Are you stupid for trusting those who don’t deserve it. Or trusting at all? Having good relationships is impossible to do without trusting. How do you know who is who? You DON’T! You never truely know somebody. I promise you that your bestfriend is talking shit about you and judging you, and your significant other is thinking about being with other people and being somewhat unfaithful. Atleast to some degree.

 

I am just so frusterated with people. Where’s the breaking point?

I can help myself thanks…

All I need is a reminder. Show me that it gets worse. This isn’t so bad. I need to be reminded daily that what ever is going on, is not THAT bad. People have it worse. I sit there, wallowing in my heap of pain. Blaming it on an ex boyfriend and an ex best friend. (Not to take away from what they did) But worse things can happen. All I need is a reminder.

If you have built walls around you to protect yourself and your feelings, they were built for a reason. Don’t tear them down too soon. Make sure it is for the right one. Make sure you are ready. You never know what you will be exposed to.

They can be so protecting and reassuring. They make things lonely, but I feel independent at the same time. I felt strong, comfortable, indestructable and happy….ish. But loving is so much better than all of those combined. I hate it,. I am SO vulnerable. Someone else now has the power to affect how I feel. Those walls don’t work anymore. Do I want to be strong and alone, or vulnerable and in love? Seriously, thats a hard one for me.

Do I wait, love, miss, and be lonely with the knowledge someone else loves me from afar? Or do I move on, built up my strength…or walls I should say…. and be independent with loneliness, friends, tears and freedom?

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know when I will know. Am I taking his love for granted? Could I be throwing something amazing away? I just want to ride my horse. I am not kidding. All I want to do is work with my horse. Life can be simple….can’t it? Please?

Debut

Rachel was kind enough to show me to this wonderful blog site. Here I go, starting something I won’t be able to finish. Just a journey with dead ends, and new pavement. Its a love hate thing…with these blog sites. I feel obligated to update the damn thing with every changing thought. A relationship should be growing soon. A place to go, to escape. A place that will listen, and remember. Somewhere I can come back to. Eventually it will be a safe place. Not yet though. We will need to get to know eachother a bit first…

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