Same Mistake Twice

I have to remember everything I’ve learned in the last 3 years. It is so easy to get caught up in something new, fun, and happy, and then forget the very things that make up who you are.  I have been so happy and optimistic for the last two months that I have let all of my guards down, and in doing that, I have confused myself. I was completely comfortable in who I had become and where I was going by myself. And then BAM, I am happy in ways I didn’t know were possible for me. Saying that it turned my life upside down would be an understatement. This obviously created some confusion. I feel like I have two conflicting senses of self. I don’t know how to balance them, choose one, or find a happy medium. I spend all day juggling these two parts of me and it is exhausting. Unfortunately, I am taking everyone around me on this rollercoaster of mine, and its not fair for anyone.

I have to remember that I can be 100% alone and be happy. My family gives me more love than I’ll ever be able to acknowledge. My friends are TRUE friends. They really are. I never knew I could have such great friends. As long as I have my family and friends, I will be just fine. I spent three years with these friends, and my wonderful family, and I was the happiest I have ever been at that time. I learned who I was, and what I was capable of. I am capable of being a successful single woman. I graduated college with amazing grades. I met new people who I became great friends with. People enjoy my company and that has to be one of the most comforting aspects of friendship. To know that people want to spend time with you…it feels great.

I have to remember that regardless of how attached I feel, or how lost I would feel with out him, I’ve done it before, I’ve lost it before, and I survived and became better. I remember how bad it hurts. I remember how it feels like death for a very long time. But I also need to remember how it feels to overcome a hardship and in the process, learn more about yourself. So I need to stop being so afraid of losing him. I really need to not care either way. I keep forgetting that I will be FINE. Why am I stressing so much? Yes I know its hard now, and I know its going to be hard, and its going to get harder. Things might get way worse. Things might hurt more than they did the first time. But when you feel like dieing, its the pain all the same? I need to remember, through all the hurt and pain and sadness that I will feel in the future, I will always get through it. I have done it before, and look at all the good that came out of it.

I spent today just talking with family and friends. I didn’t speak to him once. When I was thinking about it, it sucked bad. I missed him, I wanted to cry, and I felt all weak with longing and love. However, today was just fine. I did what I wanted to do (as I always do anyway), I talked to who I wanted to talk to, and I got some things done. It was just a normal day. The only difference is the wave of sadness I would feel when I realized what was happening today, but then it was simple to talk myself out of it. I am independent. I am strong. I don’t need any man more than I need myself. I am totally okay. In that way only, today was exhausting. Going back and forth from sad to empowered… its tiresome. But I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.

What do I enjoy? Improvement and feedback. I like security. I like school and work because I get to improve and I receive feedback. I like security which is why I work so hard on being independent and alright with being alone. Being alone is secure. Being with someone is not secure. They can always leave you. Its so sad how people feel so attached to someone to the point where they truely believe that they are secure. Thats when things go wrong. Its similar to that fear of god saying, or similar to why having a contract on a relationship can cause things to go wrong. I guess a contract can make some FEEL secure, but thats not fair. Its so fake. Then WHY am I wanting to get married. AH confusion. Wow.

All this love has made me confused and because of that, I feel crazy. I would pack up, get married, and make babies, and move to Ireland right now if he asked. Ya…that’s not okay. So obviously this isn’t good for me. Right now, I am not experiencing improvement, feedback, OR security. Then what is the happiness I feel? I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t know what to do with it. I do know, however, what I can do to help remind myself of who I am. I feel that if I work hard on reminding myself the reality of love and life, that maybe I will be able to handle the day to day rollercoaster.